Thursday, April 19, 2007

The State of the Brainion Address

My fellow blog readers, You will be happy to hear that the state is good. I had a really reassuring talk with Emily yesterday. She said I had more of a chance of getting hit by a car when stepping off the curb then in meeting my demise during surgery. Now those are odds I like to hear. Her husband is a neurosurgeon and may be assisting in the surgery and she said I could be up and about in much less than 8 weeks. Granted, her son is in my class this year so she may have a vested interest in my speedy recovery but she does know her stuff. I am going a bit stir crazy. Also Sue came to see me after school and I realized how much I miss being there. I so appreciated her visit. I did everything I could to restrain myself from throwing my body on the ground and grabbing onto her legs as she stepped onto the elevator. Can you picture it? Lily barking, Sue saying, "Let go, I have to leave now." She is a very huggy person and I am so not. I actually don't like people touching me with the exception of Brian under certain circumstances but I won't go there. I am starting to appreciate the hug a little bit more. It's like my mom stroking my arm. It drives me flipping crazy but I think it makes her feel better so I will try to be more patient. Even though I am on the receiving end, it is a way to show appreciation to accept someone's gesture of affection.

This week I had all my pre-op exams, stress test, x-rays,, blood work, etc. Tomorrow I will see Angela about the hospital stuff. I talked to the insurance company and all seems to be in order. Sunday (argh, it's going to be a nice day for the first time in forever) I have to have another MRI.

So here are the details as I know them for Thursday of next week. I have to be at the hospital by 6AM no food or drink after midnight. Under general anesthesia they will shave part of my head on the side nest to my left ear, cut into my skull, take out that little sucker, take some fat from my abnomen (I know! Why can't they take all of it while they are in there?) to use for cushioning? in my head, put a plate in and sew me back up. Now when I describe it I get that scary feeling like when you think, "There is no way that jumbo jet with all those people in it can stay up in the air. It is way too heavy." But I trust that there are people out there that understand this kind of thing that defies logic. My doctor is one of these people. He does this all the time. Amazing!

After the surgery, I will be in the ICU for one or two days and then 5-7 days in the regular hospital. In case anyone did not know, I will be at St. Luke's-Roosevelt (not Mount Sinai where I started out.) I am going to be okay. I feel better every day that passes. The numbness is down to just my left lip and tongue now and every day less and less. I just wish I could sleep! i know my recovery has been and will be aided by all of the people who love me. I feel so supported.

Sachi gave me this song by Jenny Lewis called You Are What You Love and Not What Loves You Back. I love the song but I think the writer is in a bad place. I am a totally different person because of the people who love me back. Having Sachi changed me profoundly. I knew from the time I was very young that I wanted babies and children because I love being needed. I was in no way prepared for how much I was going to love her. I could never even begin to understand what love was until I had this tiny person loving me back. My sister's song "World Before Columbus" is about this feeling. As Sachi has grown up, I love her more and more. I learned along the way to be more firm and each time it broke my heart to discipline her or teach difficult lessons. By the time Sachi was four, she was already saying, Okay, let's compromise."

I went through a similar but no where near as intense experience with my students. One year I went through a really bad break up with a really bad boyfriend and my class was my solace. I could not wait to get to school because there I had twelve kids who loved me and counted on me. I think I fell in love with teaching that year.

So I thank all the people I love who love me back! You know who you are and you have made me what I am. Sounds corny but I am so grateful right now I have to gush a little. More soon.


misstrionics said...

Jenny Lee may be in a bad place, but I think it's a pretty common place until you either fall in love and are loved in return or have kids. I appreciate that you love me back. I'm sure there are other people who do too, but in general, I think people in their twenties spend a lot of time putting effort into things that don't necessarily "love them back." And it's good to be able to recognize that the love you put into the world doesn't need to be returned to count. Sometimes I feel like I have more love to give, more passion, more emotions, not enough outlet. I think that's what the song is about, no? I will have to look at the lyrics again.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your patience. I got to be a hugger later in life (20's) so was making up for lost time. My neurologist says your surgeon is a gem! A doctor's doctor! We're so fortunate. Your Mom