Thursday, May 15, 2014

In sleep I dream I am a different me

I stay in bed because I can't fight the feeling that there is no reason to get up. I miss being needed so profoundly it hurts. I dream about my students or about meeting other teachers and telling them I don't teach anymore.

In my job, every day I faced a brand new challenge. How do I meet the needs of sixty plus kids today? How do I transfer mathematical information and skills from my mind to theirs? Each of them with such different ways of receiving that knowledge and some even resisting, insisting they don't want it, can't get it, won't hear it. I miss the rush and the thrill that I felt when I succeeded.

To the world you may be only one person but to one person you may be the world. I know I am important to my loved ones, my daughter, my family, my husband, my friends. It doesn't change the fact that I lack a daily purpose.

Last night on Criminal Minds another wonderful quote. This time a quoted quote.

“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.”  - Joseph Campbell

I am trying so hard. I want to let go. I feel like I have been mourning too long. Grieving this loss is holding me back and weighing me down. Anchoring me to my bed, to sleep, to dream of what once was.