Thursday, May 15, 2014

In sleep I dream I am a different me

I stay in bed because I can't fight the feeling that there is no reason to get up. I miss being needed so profoundly it hurts. I dream about my students or about meeting other teachers and telling them I don't teach anymore.

In my job, every day I faced a brand new challenge. How do I meet the needs of sixty plus kids today? How do I transfer mathematical information and skills from my mind to theirs? Each of them with such different ways of receiving that knowledge and some even resisting, insisting they don't want it, can't get it, won't hear it. I miss the rush and the thrill that I felt when I succeeded.

To the world you may be only one person but to one person you may be the world. I know I am important to my loved ones, my daughter, my family, my husband, my friends. It doesn't change the fact that I lack a daily purpose.

Last night on Criminal Minds another wonderful quote. This time a quoted quote.

“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.”  - Joseph Campbell

I am trying so hard. I want to let go. I feel like I have been mourning too long. Grieving this loss is holding me back and weighing me down. Anchoring me to my bed, to sleep, to dream of what once was.

2 comments:

John Baxter said...

Hi,
I'm John, had a big meningioma removed from top crown area of my brain and have another that is on my cerebellum, been radiated...now bigger... I have many of the same symptoms as you and will refer you to this article for a start.
Half the battle is Knowing your enemy. Think of the cerebellum as a 'regulator' of MANY brain processes. We have to fight many things to have quality of life but the lack of drive/energy and loss of purpose are the BIG two for me as well as yourself, I see.
I have also been a paraplegic for 18+ yrs so I know a little about self motivation also :)
http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/data/Journals/NP/3976/09jnp245.PDF

That's a pdf that shows enough to get you started. You are a teacher,understand that you are NOW a researcher to seek relevant info for yourself to make things work for you again.
John

Aly V said...

John Baxter,

Thanks for your comment and the article. It was interesting and certainly relevant. It's good to know that there is more and more validation and research being done in this area.

I also really appreciate your insight. For the first few years post-surgery, I did a tremendous amount of research. It was frustrating that I was not getting any answers from doctors for so long. I down-loaded dozens of articles in my search for understanding. At some point, (I guess after I lost my job) I decided how and what happened to my brain was not as important as figuring out how to use what I have.

Keep fighting the good fight. The human spirit constantly amazes me. We possess the ability to deal with what comes our way. I need to remind myself of this every day.

Alyson