Last night I got the news that the boyfriend of a friend of mine died. He had brain cancer and lived 27 months after his diagnosis. After his first surgery, my girlfriend asked me if I might share some of my experiences with him. I was happy to oblige. His first tumor was on the right side of his brain. He was in denial that it had affected him at all, that there may have been some residual "brain injury."
About a half an hour after reading the email, my heart rate shot up for no apparent reason. I was sitting on the couch watching The Bachelorette, thrilled that she finally said FU to the egregious Bentley. I got up to get an ice cream and the room was spinning. My eyes could not focus and my heart rate increased. I asked my SO to take my pulse and indeed it was quite high. He kept insisting that I might be having a reaction to the news but I said no. I have frequent panic attacks and this definitely did not feel like one. We called the doc and she said to go to the ER. We tried but by then I could not walk and was having trouble breathing so we called an ambulance. The paramedics arrived and my limbs were losing feeling. In the ambulance, I was sure I was dying. I saw the white light and I felt at peace. Then suddenly I was struck with the thought that I was not ready to die. I started to feel better when we arrived at the hospital but the ball was in motion and they had to do all the tests to make sure it was not a heart attack.
Needless to say, it was not a heart attack. I walked home from the hospital a half hour ago like I was Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas Day. My glib post from yesterday mocked me so I had to write. More about my own denial about my brain injury to come soon.
11 hours ago