new metaphor for living with a brain injury

I recently came up with a new metaphor for living with a brain injury. I belong to a BI support group that is not all that supportive because there are too many people. Our coordinator told us that she would soon be dividing us into 2 groups that will meet on different days. Folks wondered how the split would work and our leader said she was not sure yet. Why don't you make a positive group and a negative group? I quipped. The "negative" people all laughed. Although I place myself in the negatives, I think of us more as realists and the others as dreamers.

I do not find it helpful when members of the group talk about regaining skills they lost or accessing their pre-injury brain which is still there somewhere.

So here is my metaphor:

Imagine, if you will, that you used to live in a beautiful town, maybe Santa Barbara. You drove on coastal highways in a convertible and you had a year-round tan. Sure, you worked hard and had problems like the next guy, but life was good. Then one day you woke up and found yourself living in Times Square in New York City. The sights, the sounds, the smells were overwhelming. Little by little, you began to realize how far you were from Santa Barbara and that reality was devastating. Nobody was holding your job for you in case you came back.

All the people with brain injuries are in this predicament (in my metaphor). The dreamers focus on walking back to Santa Barbara. They know it is still there somewhere to the west and they are sure they can make it back. They congratulate themselves on each step closer. "Hey, look! I can see the Hudson River! California, here I come."

The realists adapt to life in this overwhelming, crazy new urban environment. Maybe they use ear plugs or sunglasses. Maybe they hire a guide to help them get around. They struggle to learn how to use the subway system. Adaptation is the goal.

It is like they say in A.A. It's fine to glance at the rear view mirror but if you stare at it, you are not looking where you are going. We all know what happens when you do not look where you are going.

Creating and making: solitude suits me

I am never happier than when I am in my sewing room, playing with materials. Occasionally I make something very cool. This is a throw that I made from recycled sweaters. I am trying to use them up but I keep buying more. It is so fun to wash them and see how they felt. Then I love to cut them up and sort the different colors. Mostly, I just love to touch all the different fabrics. They speak to me, each one alive with potential.

It is hard to tell what it really looks like in this photo (which my dear friend Jo took for me). In real life the colors are much more muted, less bright, less contrast, darker hues. You can see a couple of extra squares on the arm of my chair in my faded background.

Back from Vakay...So?

My vacation was great. It was so healing and helpful because I really tried to stay in the moment while I was there. It took me about three days to stop obsessing about work and problems and brain injuries. (The packing was only a tiny bit less hellish aided by little cards I made with items written on them so I could literally move the cards from one side of their pocket holder to the other as soon as the item was packed. Only problem was I forgot to put a couple of items on the cards so... I bought a toothbrush and a paperback novel in JFK. No biggie! Way too many dresses and sweaters. Too hot for either of those.)

Here is some more good news. I read TWO whole books on my trip. That is twice as many books as I have finished in the two years since my surgery. I was very proud of me. The first was the airport purchase: The Shack by Wm. Paul Young. I got into it and felt really spiritual and good. It helped me let go a little. Then I read The Pact by Jodi Picoult which I purchased at the school street fair for a buck. It was a great page turner and I was riveted. So neither was about math or TBI related stuff. I was really on vacation. I stopped having obsessive thoughts of inflicting serious damage on whatever was ailing me and started to just relax.

I watercolored my favorite rusty pier. I photographed my favorite rusty pier (as evidenced above). I pieced together a fabric interpretation of my favorite rusty pier and began embellishing it with found objects. I also taught myself how to crochet round medallions that sort of look like the pictures in the book. I might need some help with that one.

Bri and I snorkeled almost every day. We ate delicious desserts prepared by the same chef we met last year Aaron. Strawberries, whipped cream, and meringue. Heaven! We danced until sweat poured from our bodies and our clothes were soaked. We played ping pong, never breaking our early record of a rally of 33. I guess I picked up some mad skills in that mad house.

I was randomly assigned to the group that has to wait three months for my TBI research group to begin so that kind of sucks. I will work on my art and post more pics soon.

I woke this morning back at home screaming and angry at something in a nightmare.

Good Sportsmanship!

That is the medal I always got in camp when I was a kid. It meant I was a spaz but I did not realize it and blindly followed the rules of whatever game we were playing. Thanks for playing kid! We needed one more on the bench.

I got RUNNER-UP for my hankie!

http://www.instructables.com/contest/mothersday09/

"In case you were wondering, judges from Singer selected the grand and first prize winners while the runners-up were decided by user votes. Sorry for the delay in the results, Maker Faire prep has overtaken us, but we wanted to make sure these results went out out (just) before the weekend. Thanks again for entering a great Instructable and we hope to see more good stuff from you in the future."

reads the email from the organizer of the contest which ended a week ago. I actually tried to conceal the fact that I already own a clearly superior Bernina sewing machine in my photos. When a packet of needles ended up in the background of a photo, I left it there thinking, a little "SINGER" product placement won't hurt. Ha! This was not in the rules. I was so mad when I got the results of the contest two years ago. This time I know what I am going to do. They are going to send me a little robot tshirt, their cute little mascot and I am going to wrap it around our dartboard and throw darts at it. Eventually, I will hit it too. Many people don't know this but I played darts in a league for about 8 years. That's how I met my husband. I played B division most of the time but The one year I played in the C division, I was the Ladies All Star and I won a plaque. I scored more points (4375) than the other 45 or so women in the division. Of course, in B and A the Ladies All Stars scored well over seven thousand but whatever. The men in B and C who win All-Star usually score over 10,000 points. You see where I am coming from?
Last year as the school year was ending, I asked one of my former students, a lovely girl who came by every day to help me out in the classroom, if she would write a letter on my behalf nominating me for some national teacher award. She did so gladly and even wrote me from camp telling me that her letter won an essay contest. I never heard from those people.
External validation! Why is it so important to me? Where will I truly find it? How is success measured? Here is what is not so high on my list of aspirations: fame, fortune, power. Here is what is: knowledge, wisdom, validation, understanding, comfort, freedom, creativity, and beauty (not personal although it was important until time took over and I realized it was merely a gift or perhaps, a loan from youth).
Yesterday, I decided to let someone else handle a big problem for me in exchange for a large sum of money. I felt relief to turn it over but still fear that I will continue to be misunderstood.
I am out of synch with my environment. I seek harmony!

Oh BTW look for my Moth Away! sachets on sale soon over at Etsy.com
Link to be posted soon.

I love clogging!

I love when I read the post of someone who left me a comment and see the wonderful connections to be made through the world of blogging. A typo caused me to write clogging. Yes, Irish dance has helped me to make great friends from many nations. JK! That'd be cool though. Travelin' on the reg! Dancin' on the reg! Stompin' on the reg!

This is from Wendy

I leave you with a favourite list of not only fasting but feasting at Lent (and even my friends of other creeds can appreciate these):

• Fast from judging others; feast on the Christ dwelling in them.
• Fast from emphasis on differences; feast on the unity of life.
• Fast from apparent darkness; feast on the reality of light.
• Fast from thoughts of illness; feast on the healing power of God.
• Fast from words that pollute; feast on phrases that purify.
• Fast from discontent; feast on gratitude.
• Fast from anger; feast on patience.
• Fast from pessimism; feast on optimism.
• Fast from worry; feast on divine order.
• Fast from complaining; feast on appreciation.
• Fast from negatives; feast on affirmatives.
• Fast from unrelenting pressures; feast on unceasing prayer.
• Fast from hostility; feast on non-resistance.
• Fast from bitterness; feast on forgiveness.
• Fast from self-concern; feast on compassion for others.
• Fast from personal anxiety; feast on eternal truth.
• Fast from discouragements; feast on hope.
• Fast from facts that depress; feast on verities that uplift.
• Fast from lethargy; feast on enthusiasm.
• Fast from thoughts that weaken; feast on promises that inspire.
• Fast from shadows of sorrow; feast on the sunlight of serenity.
• Fast from idle gossip; feast on purposeful silence.
• Fast from problems that overwhelm; feast on prayer that sustains.

May FAST and FEAST be not just for 40 days of Lent, but become a way of life for each of us! Wishing you a beautiful Lenten journey towards Easter!

Grace and Peace,
Wendy

Thank you Wendy! Today I shall feast!