When will I be okay with me?

I taught for 22 years. It shaped who I am. I speak with authority and certainty. I have confidence in my ability to understand and communicate. The problem is that part of my brain is impaired. It is untrustworthy.

I used to be able to recognize miscommunication a mile away. I spent years rephrasing for my student, explaining concepts in a multitude of ways, seeking the explanation that would give clarity.
 On the first day of school, my message was always let's find the best way for me to teach and you to learn. I taught kids to replace the phrase "I don't get it," with "could you please explain that in a different way." The kids who declare "I get it" when they don't are more difficult to teach. I used to explain to the parents of some students "he doesn't know what he doesn't know."

As a student, math was my best subject. It was fun and relatively easy. When I became a teacher, I realized how hard it is to explain a concept when you never even had to think about it. I grew to love language. At 44, I was at the top of my game. And then a bunch of tangled up, misplaced, tiny blood vessels leaked blood into my brain. Obfuscation abounds.

So often, I see or hear something and I just trust my interpretation. I asked my daughter why people don't correct me when they know I don't get it and she said I would just argue with them. Well that's a fine mess.


According to the Weill Institute of Neurosciences:

"the term executive functions refers to the higher-level cognitive skills you use to control and coordinate your other cognitive abilities and behaviors. Because these skills integrate information at a higher level across cognitive domains, damage to the executive system typically involves a cluster of deficiencies, not just one ability. The loss of that administrative control affects the ability to organize and regulate multiple types of information and often cause behavioral change.

Damage to the executive system often leads to:

• Difficulty organizing
• Difficulty in planning and initiation (getting started)
• Inability to multitask
• Difficulty with verbal fluency
• Trouble planning for the future
• Difficulty processing, storing, and/or retrieving information
• Mood swings
• Socially inappropriate behavior
• Inability to learn from consequences from past actions
• Unawareness or denial that their behavior is a problem

It's that last one Metacognition. Without it, I keep falling into traps. I want to stop comparing myself to teacher me. New artist me is pretty good. Some times.