Thank heavens for little girls...

My little girl is absolutely, hands-down, without a doubt, no questions asked, don't even go there, cuz I'm not trying to hear that, the best thing that has happened to me! She is my single greatest achievement! She is my best friend, my pride and joy, my raison d´etre, and my baby.

Looking Back!

She has probably forgotten, but when she was in high school, she used to always tell me she wished did not have to become a grown-up. She wanted to stay my little girl so I could take care of her. I never told her that there was nothing I would have loved more. There were two reasons I kept this to myself. One was that I did not want to hold her back from being strong and independent and able to take care of herself. The second was (and this was pretty selfish of me) that she had already become a teenager so there was no turning back. Anywhere between 15 months to 12 years old would have been cool. After that it was kind of like living with my wonderful mature and responsible adolescent daughter who occasionally, and with no warning, became possessed by a stranger.

Don't get me wrong. Most of the time she was awesome. We shared great conversation, jokes, walks, TV shows, vacations, clothes, and everything. We could practically read each others' minds. We kicked ass as a team in Outburst or the celebrity game because we had so many inside jokes. She did my make-up for me. She baked yummy surprises for me. She worked hard in school without being nagged and put up with my competitive need to prove she was the smartest person at her school. (I mean seriously when you are that close to a perfect score on the SAT, why didn't she let me spend $1000 bucks for a tutor? C'mon, bragging rights.)

The hard parts were when she got angry or upset or cried for reasons I could not understand. It was like the first part of her life. Infants do not have any way to let you know what is bothering them. Crying covers everything. (Seriously, though this has always kind of described Sachi.) But, how was I supposed to know what was going on when her fingers were pounding on the keyboard with ferocity in response to what one of her friend's "said" in an instant message. Why was she so upset when someone erased her high score on Mine Sweeper? Or, when someone else stole her idea of wearing a tiara to school? Or, when she was getting ready to go on a "real date" with her boyfriend? Or, when a homeless lady pushed her? Okay, well that one I kind of understand.

What's so funny? Hatachi!

On Monday, she will turn 26. I cried on my 26th birthday because I thought I was supposed to know who I was by then, I mean, besides being a mom. Ha! The joke is I still don't know who I am, except for the mom part. And, it turns out that, for me, that is the best part!

Fundraiser for the BIANYC

Tomorrow our chapter is having a benefit. Every dollar of the admission will go directly to our chapter. There are a bunch of professional musicians and comedians. And then there are a couple of brave amateurs, including yours truly. I am going to perform a stand-up routine. I originally did it when I was in the grad school program variety show. It was mostly about being a teacher so I adapted it to reflect the recent changes in my life. Wish me luck!

In other news, I applied for SSDI and was approved in like 3 weeks. It is a relief but also depressing. It is much like going through menopause (sorry to my squeamish readers) in that with acceptance comes resignation. There is the gift of no more visits from my monthly friend wreaking havoc on my mood. The flip side is a confirmation that my body can no longer conceive a child. It is like the official stamp saying YOU ARE OLD!

Back to the fundraiser.

If you happen to be in the New York City area, please come and join us. I should be on some time between 2 and 3. Sachi will perform too. Here are the deets:

BENEFIT CONCERT 

MUSIC! POETRY! STAND‐UP COMEDY!  

featuring  

King DaviD  Kid Dizzy 

SIMONE ELLOVE KING  NEGROS AMERICANOS 

Yippie Museum Café 

9 Bleecker Street 

Saturday, June 16th 

 NOON to 5:30 

$10 donation at the door 

Drop in anytime, stay as long as you like 

All proceeds benefit the 

New York City Chapter of the 

Brain Injury Association of New York State 

Did you ever feel something...

so strong, you became overwhelmed by just being alive? It happens to me sometimes. I will look into Lily's round black eyes, or catch the smell of the sidewalk after rain, or taste a chocolate so sublime, that I think, I am alive. A tingly synaptic connection is made before the verbal part of my brain can register or articulate the experience.

Those moments when there is nothing but a wave of sensation and a hint of mortality, I know I am small and temporary. I am okay with that.