Monday, September 5, 2011

It's Two O'Clock In the Morning

and every sane person is asleep. Not, this guy. Something is keeping me up. I have not been exercising or sticking to my diet so I feel bad. I was doing so well.

Still, good stuff has been happening... until I posted my biography on the online discussion board for my Creativity class. Everyone else did a power point presentation. With like seven pages. Just exactly the way the professor modeled it for us. I thought that was just for the professor. So, I did a one page cartoon with mini captions about myself. Everyone commented on everyone else's bio except for mine. Only the prof commented and he said, "I admire your courage."

What courage? This is just my life. Does it take courage to live? I guess so but what is the alternative? I mean, I guess if I had done my own brain surgery like Tom Hanks did his own tooth extraction in Castaway, that might have taken courage. I just succumbed to the anesthesia and was operated on. Was sticking to a job I could not do in a place where I was not wanted a sign of courage? No, it was an act based on denial and fear. I believed I could still do it and I was afraid of life without it. Is taking the class a sign of courage? No, I just am not sure what I am doing anymore and since I am still officially enrolled in the Master's program, I am taking a class. Was posting a weird bio even after noticing everyone else was doing PowerPoint presentations a sign of courage? No, I thought it was creative and I thought that was the point of the class. Even in an online class where I do not have to see people face-to-face, I have managed to alienate myself. Almost everyone else is working toward a PhD. It may be very different from what I was expecting. It makes me sad I did not take this course with my classmates this summer. Two people said they missed me, but nobody called or wrote.

Welcome to my Pity Party. I think I need to examine my thinking for cognitive distortions. This type of self-deprecation isn't no good for me. I do not want to be like the guy on the subway today. I asked him if he could move over a little so I could sit down. He looked at the space to his side and said, "You can sit if you want to but I ain't moving nowhere for nobody." No, that's not me. I am moving forward for all the people who love me and for myself. That does not take courage. It takes hard work and appreciation for all that I have. And anyone who thinks otherwise can go suck it.

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