The Doctor is [OUT]

After 2 years, I ended therapy with a super doc. I love her and I never really loved a therapist before. I always thought it was weird that previous therapists thought I should have any feelings for them. I barely thought about them when I was not sitting across from that chair. It would make me uncomfortable when they asked me about my feelings for them or when they got really excited that I had a dream with them in it. I suppose in some ways the therapeutic model is supposed to be a reflection of a person's real relationships and if so, I have made progress.

Why did I stop, you might wonder. I need to focus on changing my actions right now and less on the emotional background which causes certain behaviors. I am also starting intensive cognitive remediation in the Mount Sinai program soon. It comes with emotional support for people with brain injuries too. I think that is a lot to work on for now.

I will miss you, Dr. S.

I look okay though (because how you look is what matters the most, NOT!)


Photo taken of me by Sachi the night of my last session.

Life.Support.Music.

is the documentary chronicling my friend Jason Crigler's recovery from a brain injury, will air Tuesday, July 7 at 10 PM EST. It will be shown on PBS, as part of their POV series. In the New York City area, the POV show is on channel 13.

Jason was the first person I met after my injury who had any idea what I was going through. He had an AVM which is a similar vascular abnormality but with much larger vessels hence a huge bleed. He is an amazing person and just being around him made me feel less alone in the world. He is also really funny and his delivery is so deadpan, you don't expect it. We had dinner at Henry's and when the waitress came over and asked if we had any questions about the menu, Jason said, "Yes, I have a question. Do you serve food here?"

Certain states will show it at different times. KCET Los Angeles and WHYY Philadelphia - Thursday, July 9 at 8:30 PM. WGBH Boston - Sunday, July 12 at 9 PM. To enter your zip code and find out when it will air in your area, go to http://www.pbs.org/pov/tvschedule/

He was interviewed on the CBS News

Below is a mixed media piece called The Bleed I did in the summer of 2007 in a workshop with Roberto Juarez.

All The Crabby Ladies Out There

Well, my daughter's 23rd birthday was last Thursday and we had a lovely dinner at Aqua Grill. She loves raw oysters.

On my 23rd birthday, I was disappointed because I began that time of the month. I had been married for six months and since I wanted a lot of kids we had just started trying. We went out that night to see my sister perform and Sting was in the audience. I was so excited. My sister had mentioned that he was a fan but he was just sitting there like a regular person. I went up to him and told him I was her sister and it was my birthday and so could I get an autograph. Suz told me later he didn't believe I was really her sister.

Two weeks later, Sachi was conceived. Her dad had a business trip during the "most likely to succeed" days so I flew up there with him.

She is a Cancer just like my sister...and my niece. My sister's daughter was born 3 days before a significant birthday for her mom and this year she will turn fifteen 3 days before a most significant birthday for my sis.

All this just so I could show you the Johnny Depp pillow I just finished making so I could mail it to her at camp. I got her some other stuff but I gave Sachi a Jimmy Fallon pillow when she turned 15 so I figured why not? I read in one of those mother daughter type books that it was healthy for girls to have celebrity crushes because they were "trying out" the feelings or something. For me, it was Scott Baio. No pillow though. Just my dreams.

Moth Away! Sachets now available

As promised if anyone would like to purchase my handmade herbal sachets I made for the Instructables contest, they can be found here: AlyVega.etsy.com

En boca cerrada, no entran moscas.

"Whataya tellin' people that for?" my husband asks me frequently. I don't really have an answer. He is protective of me and more private than I am. He also thinks it gives people the wrong idea, the idea that there is some form of intimacy, when I reveal personal information to people I barely know.

I guess I sort of feel like I don't care what they think because stories are not me. Very few people are allowed to reach the inner sanctum and I reckon most of them end up a little sorry that they did.

One of my three water colors from the beautiful island of Providenciales in the Turks And Caicos islands. This one is called Bri Reading.

Back from Vakay...So?

My vacation was great. It was so healing and helpful because I really tried to stay in the moment while I was there. It took me about three days to stop obsessing about work and problems and brain injuries. (The packing was only a tiny bit less hellish aided by little cards I made with items written on them so I could literally move the cards from one side of their pocket holder to the other as soon as the item was packed. Only problem was I forgot to put a couple of items on the cards so... I bought a toothbrush and a paperback novel in JFK. No biggie! Way too many dresses and sweaters. Too hot for either of those.)

Here is some more good news. I read TWO whole books on my trip. That is twice as many books as I have finished in the two years since my surgery. I was very proud of me. The first was the airport purchase: The Shack by Wm. Paul Young. I got into it and felt really spiritual and good. It helped me let go a little. Then I read The Pact by Jodi Picoult which I purchased at the school street fair for a buck. It was a great page turner and I was riveted. So neither was about math or TBI related stuff. I was really on vacation. I stopped having obsessive thoughts of inflicting serious damage on whatever was ailing me and started to just relax.

I watercolored my favorite rusty pier. I photographed my favorite rusty pier (as evidenced above). I pieced together a fabric interpretation of my favorite rusty pier and began embellishing it with found objects. I also taught myself how to crochet round medallions that sort of look like the pictures in the book. I might need some help with that one.

Bri and I snorkeled almost every day. We ate delicious desserts prepared by the same chef we met last year Aaron. Strawberries, whipped cream, and meringue. Heaven! We danced until sweat poured from our bodies and our clothes were soaked. We played ping pong, never breaking our early record of a rally of 33. I guess I picked up some mad skills in that mad house.

I was randomly assigned to the group that has to wait three months for my TBI research group to begin so that kind of sucks. I will work on my art and post more pics soon.

I woke this morning back at home screaming and angry at something in a nightmare.

At My 25th College Reunion

The days are blurring together. The events, conversations, meals, information, new people, old friends, and living in the same dorm are forming one giant surreal mass in my brain. I don't know who I've met or what I've said. I tried to do way too many things today.
Mechele said the great thing about the 25th reunion is that while at the other reunions you were worried about whether or not you were successful enough, or too fat, or too bald or whatever, but now at the 25th it was much easier because there is always someone who had lost a parent or a child or a breast and those other things didn't seem as important. But in that moment before she finished the sentence as I was identifying with the sentiment she was expressing, I thought she was going to say, "There is always someone fatter or balder or less successful." And it just cracked me up that I would find relief in that, sort of.
I have to admit my classmates have accomplished some amazing stuff and I still feel pretty inadequate, but I did stop thinking about my looks a few years ago and I feel pretty good about my career choice and I am super proud of my daughter and happy in my marriage. Having the brain injury also takes the pressure off me to be smart enough now. Maybe I never was as brilliant but now I am very psyched about each and every working brain cell I have. It feels pretty good just to be here.

Good Sportsmanship!

That is the medal I always got in camp when I was a kid. It meant I was a spaz but I did not realize it and blindly followed the rules of whatever game we were playing. Thanks for playing kid! We needed one more on the bench.

I got RUNNER-UP for my hankie!

http://www.instructables.com/contest/mothersday09/

"In case you were wondering, judges from Singer selected the grand and first prize winners while the runners-up were decided by user votes. Sorry for the delay in the results, Maker Faire prep has overtaken us, but we wanted to make sure these results went out out (just) before the weekend. Thanks again for entering a great Instructable and we hope to see more good stuff from you in the future."

reads the email from the organizer of the contest which ended a week ago. I actually tried to conceal the fact that I already own a clearly superior Bernina sewing machine in my photos. When a packet of needles ended up in the background of a photo, I left it there thinking, a little "SINGER" product placement won't hurt. Ha! This was not in the rules. I was so mad when I got the results of the contest two years ago. This time I know what I am going to do. They are going to send me a little robot tshirt, their cute little mascot and I am going to wrap it around our dartboard and throw darts at it. Eventually, I will hit it too. Many people don't know this but I played darts in a league for about 8 years. That's how I met my husband. I played B division most of the time but The one year I played in the C division, I was the Ladies All Star and I won a plaque. I scored more points (4375) than the other 45 or so women in the division. Of course, in B and A the Ladies All Stars scored well over seven thousand but whatever. The men in B and C who win All-Star usually score over 10,000 points. You see where I am coming from?
Last year as the school year was ending, I asked one of my former students, a lovely girl who came by every day to help me out in the classroom, if she would write a letter on my behalf nominating me for some national teacher award. She did so gladly and even wrote me from camp telling me that her letter won an essay contest. I never heard from those people.
External validation! Why is it so important to me? Where will I truly find it? How is success measured? Here is what is not so high on my list of aspirations: fame, fortune, power. Here is what is: knowledge, wisdom, validation, understanding, comfort, freedom, creativity, and beauty (not personal although it was important until time took over and I realized it was merely a gift or perhaps, a loan from youth).
Yesterday, I decided to let someone else handle a big problem for me in exchange for a large sum of money. I felt relief to turn it over but still fear that I will continue to be misunderstood.
I am out of synch with my environment. I seek harmony!

Oh BTW look for my Moth Away! sachets on sale soon over at Etsy.com
Link to be posted soon.

They won't announce the winners...

I'm afraid to write in and ask when they will tell us who won. There was some weird voting shift where the day after the contest I was third then the next day I was first. What? I really don't get it. "The Contest Is Over." No one is asking so I'm not going to be the first. The last time I entered a contest it took like a week and then I didn't even get mentioned. I was crushed. There is so much going on in my life right now that I can't obsess about it. I want to teach math. I want my job.

Waiting, sewing, report card writing

There is no more productive time in my life than report card writing time. I become a tidy homemaker, awesome baker of abundant treats, try out new looks with make-up all in the name of doing anything to avoid writing the reports. Have you noticed what a frequent blogger I have become?

The deadline for the sewing contest was yesterday. My last minute plea for everyone I have ever known to vote seemed to help as friends emerged with an out pouring of support. Having dropped to fifth, by the time I went to bed I was back in first place. Alas, when I awoke I had dropped to third. Now it is up to the judges. Of course I would love to win first place - a new sewing machine. The runner-up prize for the next three is also quite nice - a dressmakers dummy that can be re-sized. The two entries ahead of mine are lovely, a pillow and a fabric wall. I don't know what the judges are looking for but if it innovation then...a pillow? The fabric wall, an excellent idea to partition off part of the house to save energy, could be accomplished with a staple gun and does not really need any sewing. Okay, I am done knocking the entries that beat mine in votes just to make myself feel better.

I have made so many Moth Away! sachets that I think I will sell them on Etsy (link to come soon). I also made a bag for one of my tutoring students' birthdays. She has a much younger sister so I felt like I better make her a bag too. Here are pictures: Younger sister bag side 1:I think they came out quite well, no? Younger sister bag side 2:
Student bag side 1 and 2: