What a world! What a world!

I'm melting.

Walking home from conferences where most parents are happy to hear they have a great kid but some are fixated on HONORS MATH.

I stop at the supermarket and hear a father tell his much taller teen-aged son that he is selfish for choosing a $5 box of Fruity Pebbles not on sale, as the box glides by ostentatiously next to generic white bread, generic hot dogs, generic OJ, and generic cheese.

I feel unbearable sorrow. Yes, we all want to do a good job, to be liked, to not be selfish.

Inevitably, some of us fail.

Why?

Summary of Previous Four Years

1. I began to teach myself to draw and paint.
2. I took a mixed media workshop in the Berkshires two summers in a row with great success.
3. I traveled to China with a group of teens.
4. I traveled to Japan on a grant from school to visit math classrooms.
5. I began knitting again and started a knitting circle in my home.
6. I went skiing with three girlfriends for a long weekend.
7. I had a best friend who dropped by so often my husband nicknamed her Kramer.
8. I had a stroke which an MRI revealed was from a tumor.
9. I had a craniotomy.
10. I walked every day for 15 minutes building up to a full hour.
11. I entered an invention contest and a postcard contest.
12. I lost both contests but was very proud of my accomplishments.
13. I returned to my job and discovered I had cognitive deficits.
14. My communication skills caused many misunderstandings.
15. My boss died alone on Christmas day.
16. I designed, organized, and helped make a memorial afghan for her.
17. I printed raffle tickets for the afghan and sold them earning over $3000 for a scholarship fund in her name.
18. I was diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury, with disabilities in executive functions, working memory, language, timing, and planning.
19. I was demoted at work and asked to move to a smaller room away from all of my colleagues.
20. I was granted the use of an assistant enabling me to continue teaching.
20. My daughter graduated from college and moved back home.
21. My father, Edgardo Vega-Yunque´ died.
22. I rented a studio to handle my father's enormous collection of books and writing.
23. I went to court to handle the estate.
24. I arranged for a memorial funeral for my father.
25. I donated all of his belongings to El Centro for Puerto Rican Studies.
26. Through therapy and rehabilitation, I learned new methods of communication.
27. Friends from work stopped socializing with me.
27. I have renewed some old friendships from college.
28. I spent part of my spring break in the hospital.
29. My art studio was finally completed so I could begin to make art.
30. My landlady told me she cannot tolerate my presence in the studio.

I love clogging!

I love when I read the post of someone who left me a comment and see the wonderful connections to be made through the world of blogging. A typo caused me to write clogging. Yes, Irish dance has helped me to make great friends from many nations. JK! That'd be cool though. Travelin' on the reg! Dancin' on the reg! Stompin' on the reg!

This is from Wendy

I leave you with a favourite list of not only fasting but feasting at Lent (and even my friends of other creeds can appreciate these):

• Fast from judging others; feast on the Christ dwelling in them.
• Fast from emphasis on differences; feast on the unity of life.
• Fast from apparent darkness; feast on the reality of light.
• Fast from thoughts of illness; feast on the healing power of God.
• Fast from words that pollute; feast on phrases that purify.
• Fast from discontent; feast on gratitude.
• Fast from anger; feast on patience.
• Fast from pessimism; feast on optimism.
• Fast from worry; feast on divine order.
• Fast from complaining; feast on appreciation.
• Fast from negatives; feast on affirmatives.
• Fast from unrelenting pressures; feast on unceasing prayer.
• Fast from hostility; feast on non-resistance.
• Fast from bitterness; feast on forgiveness.
• Fast from self-concern; feast on compassion for others.
• Fast from personal anxiety; feast on eternal truth.
• Fast from discouragements; feast on hope.
• Fast from facts that depress; feast on verities that uplift.
• Fast from lethargy; feast on enthusiasm.
• Fast from thoughts that weaken; feast on promises that inspire.
• Fast from shadows of sorrow; feast on the sunlight of serenity.
• Fast from idle gossip; feast on purposeful silence.
• Fast from problems that overwhelm; feast on prayer that sustains.

May FAST and FEAST be not just for 40 days of Lent, but become a way of life for each of us! Wishing you a beautiful Lenten journey towards Easter!

Grace and Peace,
Wendy

Thank you Wendy! Today I shall feast!

Dear Mr. President

I wrote a letter to the president today? I know. Me? Political?

I was going to post about the circumstances that are discouraging me from going to my art studio, namely my landlady's nasty comments about the state of chaos which inspires my best work, but my new attitude it to step back and let the bullets land at my feet. I am Neo from the Matrix. I can see, hear, and think in slow motion. I am also one bad-ass motha who don't take no s--t from nobody!
So here is my letter. I am a little embarrassed about it so if you have any criticism, keep it to yourself. I'm not even sure what I would do if I was given the opportunity I proclaim so boldly to want.

Dear President Obama,
You have inspired me to believe in the Democratic process again so I am writing to ask about a policy that affects our nation and me. As a product of the New York City public school system, I was fortunate enough to attend an Ivy League college on scholarship. As a young single mother in my 20’s, my career choices were limited by the exorbitant cost of daycare and my liberal arts BA degree. I became a teacher in a New York City private school. I love my job and I am passionate about education.
My daughter just graduated from Harvard and I was able to afford to save enough to cover about half of her tuition (which was huge for me and made me proud to give since I had attended for free). My plan was that once she graduated and was on her feet, I would use what was left of my investments to finance my own master's degree so that I would qualify to teach in a New York City public school. Well, as you know, thanks to the economy you inherited from the previous administration, my savings are nearly worthless. I am leaving what little is left in the stock and bond markets because I do have faith that your plan will work. Fortunately, my daughter found a job, but it does not pay well enough for her to afford health insurance or housing yet, so she is living with me again.
My question is this: why are experienced teachers excluded from applying for the Teach for America or Teach for New York programs? Under these programs, young college graduates can get free higher education classes in exchange for a commitment to work three years in the nation's most poverty stricken or poorly performing schools. I have twenty years of teaching experience and would be of great service to such students but I am ineligible for the program for the very same reason, I would be of particular help.
I do not know how successful the program is or even how the success is measured. My resources are limited to anecdotal information provided by my daughter's contemporaries. Most found their experiences to be extraordinarily difficult and will probably not remain in the field of education. I, on the other hand, am a career teacher. I am committed to giving every child I meet an awareness of one benefit of being an American and separates us from so many other countries. Education is free and if a child can take full advantage of it, he or she can break the cycle of poverty and improve his or her social standing much like I did.
As I said previously, this is a question very specific to me and I am but one of your constituents. I would like to know why my experience teaching for twenty years prevents me from qualifying to apply for a program that gives free certification in exchange for making a commitment to our nation's neediest schools. I have to add that I teach middle school math and have an outstanding record of inspiring many of the most reluctant learners to go on to earn A's in high school and love math. I am an advocate for women in math and highly gifted math students of both genders (truly one of our country's greatest resources) but also for all children. Despite the fact that I am not a leader or principal, you inspire me to listen more closely to others and this has been a tremendous gift.
So what do you say, Mr. President? Do you think that experienced teachers should be allowed the same opportunity to offer their services in exchange for higher education? I voted for you (after Mrs. Clinton was out of the running, sorry) and I would do it again. Can you explain the reasoning of a policy that imposes a self-defeating limit on an otherwise excellent program?

Thank you for your bravery and vision!

Your loyal citizen,
Aly ....

Help Me!

Everything I say is taken the wrong way. My efforts to clarify are futile and I am accused of being long-winded, befuddled, paranoid, overly sensitive, repetitive, and overly emotional. Why don't I just listen for a change?

The problem is when I asked for clarification, it turned out I was right. How can people tell me in the same breath not to read so much into something while revealing at the same time the giant can of worms under all those calm words? Oh yeah, don't be so paranoid, but there is a SUB-TEXT we have kept from you. Let's not dwell on it!

March is Brain Injury Awareness Month

As a child, I had a concussion. At 23, while pregnant with my daughter I was in a head collision. The fact that I was not wearing a seatbelt probably saved her life, but my face flew into the seat in front of me. My glasses cut into my nose and cheeks and I had two black eyes. I was clumsy and impulsive as a kid (well as an adult, too). I fell a lot (on the tennis court - staples in the back of the head, on my face going back to bed - ten stiches in my chin, running for a train - bruised face, bloody knee). Two years ago, I had a stroke:



During the angiogram and news that I had a brain tumor, all I could think of was Turks and Caicos. This is an oil pastel/collage of my experience.

I read a few regular blogs. My Google Reader collects them for me and I wait until I have at least 45 minutes to look through my favorites. One is Broken Brain, Brilliant Mind and in this recent post, I saw my life. It was so bizarre because until I hear the words for some experiences, I am not even sure how to articulate it. A year ago, I stayed up all night to pack for spring break and got there with so much strange stuff and some very obvious items lacking.

My new resolution is to be positive! If people want to remain ignorant, they can go suck it. I am not going to make it my job to educate them. I have enough of my own work to do and my own obfuscation to clear up.

Eschew obfuscation and make choices that make me happier! From now on when I get a compliment on my work from the parents of my students, I am going to ask them to put their words in writing and send them to my boss.

I love my students! My favorite part of teaching is the Aha! that follows confusion.

Blogging is Narcissistic

Today I left one of the few places I still felt accepted in tears. What the hay? My brain injury support group was discussing the web and social alternatives. I go to the group because I read that I need human contact. I feel alienated because I rarely see friends. At work, I am up on the fifth floor so no one seems to remember that I am there. Or they remember but what they remember is post-injury and it does not seem worth it. Who knows? I am on a new campaign to be me, to be what I'm like, to be like myself, and so I'm having a wonderful time. Ooops! They Might be Giants tangent. My former student Roman comes to visit me. He is awesome! He brings hilarious clips from Conan or Leno for me to watch.

So why did I walk across Central Park from the east side today with tears and snot running down my nose? Fatigue? Hunger? My assistant upon whom I depend a lot these days was out today? Also, last week my request for sensitivity training for my colleagues was denied and I was strongly encouraged not to remind anyone about my injury. So then today when someone requested that maybe my assistant just fill in for them when they have a doctor's appointment, I felt annoyed. Her aid enables me to do my job and still only about 1/2 as well as I used to do it. She is not a luxury or a floater. Whatevs. Dark, dark, dark! Back to the support group...

Facebook, text messaging, etc. were the topics. When blogging came up, I shared that I started mine to keep friends and family up to date on my medical status after my stroke and before my surgery. THE SUPPORT GROUP LEADER said that it seems kind of narcissistic to keep a blog. Like, what makes anyone think someone wants to read what they have to say? I reiterated that my purpose, expectations, etc. and she said so if you are talking to a guy in a bar and he says he blogs, you should walk in the other direction. I said, "Thanks a lot!" and she said but you know what I mean?

Yeah! I am a narcissist! I hope everyone reads my blog! Maybe I will win the Blog of the Year Award! Is there a Blog Pulitzer? Am I on the New York Times best read blog list?

Four is my lucky number so...

... when I read this blog post over at Cornflower Blue Studio asking anyone to play along I decided I would go for it. The fourth photo in my fourth folder is this one
Since Ed died, I have so many pictures I had not seen in a long time. I am scanning them because I guess they are not really mine. I guess I will give them my mom or the subject (in this case my brother Matt). I feel so much love for him right now, just flooding feelings of appreciation and nostalgia and compassion.

He asked me a really interesting question after I tried to explain why I love teaching. I love teaching because I remember what it felt like to be a kid and so I am an advocate for them. I have my own personal reasons for why I loved school.
1. It wasn't home.
2. Nobody yelled at me.
3. Every day was pretty much the same.
4. The rules and consequences were clear.
5. I was good at "appearing to follow the rules."
6. There was food there.
7. If you needed a pencil or tape, it was always where you expected it to be.
8. A big part of the day was spent doing one of my favorite things in the world, reading.
9. The people there wanted me there. Or at least it seemed that way since they asked every day if I was there.

Are these good enough reasons to be a teacher? I don't know.

Have You Ever..........

I saw this at the fluffyknitting blog and thought it looked like a fun thing to play along with!

The things I've done are in bold.

1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (orchestra, fife and drum corp)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightening at sea
14. Taught myself art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train (a red eye from Boston to New York)
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb (I wish!)
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice (lived in Venice, CA and rode gondola in Vegas)
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing (indoor)
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit (class action?)
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Rode an elephant (my mom did)